Post by Renrag on Oct 11, 2014 7:41:24 GMT
NELSON: Order the signal, Hardy.
HARDY: Aye, aye Sir
NELSON: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
HARDY: Sorry Sir?
NELSON: (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability".
What gobbledygook is this?
HARDY: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.
We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
NELSON: Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
HARDY: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
NELSON: In that case, break open the rum ration Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle.
HARDY: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.
NELSON: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it... Full speed ahead!
HARDY: I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
NELSON: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's-nest
please.
HARDY: That won't be possible, Sir.
NELSON: What?
HARDY: Health and Safety have closed the crow's-nest, Sir. No harness,
and they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
NELSON: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay,
HARDY: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'sc'le, Sir.
NELSON: Wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle? I've never heard anything so absurd.
HARDY: Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.
NELSON: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the words. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card.
HARDY: Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
NELSON: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
HARDY: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
NELSON: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
HARDY: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
NELSON: What? This is mutiny!
HARDY: It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
NELSON: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
HARDY: Actually, Sir, we're not.
NELSON: We're not?
HARDY: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
NELSON: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
HARDY: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that, Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary
NELSON: We must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of our King.
HARDY: Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's the rules. It could save your life.
NELSON: Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?
HARDY: As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment.
NELSON: What about sodomy?
HARDY: Er, I believe that's now legal, Sir.
NELSON: In that case ... Kiss me, Hardy.
HARDY: Aye, aye Sir
NELSON: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
HARDY: Sorry Sir?
NELSON: (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability".
What gobbledygook is this?
HARDY: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.
We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
NELSON: Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
HARDY: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
NELSON: In that case, break open the rum ration Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle.
HARDY: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.
NELSON: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it... Full speed ahead!
HARDY: I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
NELSON: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's-nest
please.
HARDY: That won't be possible, Sir.
NELSON: What?
HARDY: Health and Safety have closed the crow's-nest, Sir. No harness,
and they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
NELSON: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay,
HARDY: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'sc'le, Sir.
NELSON: Wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle? I've never heard anything so absurd.
HARDY: Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.
NELSON: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the words. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card.
HARDY: Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
NELSON: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
HARDY: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
NELSON: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
HARDY: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
NELSON: What? This is mutiny!
HARDY: It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
NELSON: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
HARDY: Actually, Sir, we're not.
NELSON: We're not?
HARDY: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
NELSON: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
HARDY: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that, Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary
NELSON: We must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of our King.
HARDY: Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's the rules. It could save your life.
NELSON: Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?
HARDY: As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment.
NELSON: What about sodomy?
HARDY: Er, I believe that's now legal, Sir.
NELSON: In that case ... Kiss me, Hardy.
